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Most of us have been in a conversation at work that turned hot before we understood why. A meeting gets tense, a message lands wrong, and suddenly your heart is beating fast, your palms are sweaty, and the words coming out of your mouth aren't the ones you'd choose on a calmer day.

Our bodies tend to react to conflict before our minds catch up. From an evolutionary standpoint, we're running on outdated hardware that can't always distinguish between a mortal threat and a mere inconvenience.

We have the capacity to choose our response; we just have to practice it. One framework I lean on is PAUSE. It gives you five moves to reach for when a discussion heats up to keep your response more even and grounded. Today’s newsletter breaks it down.

We teach this in our workshops – we have two happening this week, and a few custom engagements this summer. If you want to learn more, feel free to book a quick call to chat!

Nicole

Use the PAUSE method to de-escalate a heated moment at work.

1. (P) Pause and come back into your body.

The first move is the simplest and the hardest: slow down. There's wisdom in the old advice to count to ten. What you're really doing is widening the small space between what happens and how you respond, and that space is where you get to make a conscious choice.

Use physical cues to help. Feel your feet on the floor. Notice a window, a tree, the ceiling. Take one full breath. These small things help signal to your body that there's no tiger here, just a hard conversation, and you have time to handle it.

2. (A) Acknowledge what's happening.

Once you're a little steadier, name the moment out loud. Something as simple as "I’m sensing some tension between us right now" can help ease the tension in the room, for you and for the other person.

It helps to remember that conflict is rarely only about the facts, but the feelings associated with the conflict. Imagine ordering a coffee and hearing they're out of oat milk. You shrug and order something else. Now imagine the barista says, "you people always need something different." The oat milk hasn't changed, but the conversation has, because of how you may interpret the phrase “you people. It’s important to name when tension is present, because the other person or parties may be unaware.

3. (U) Understand the impact, not just the intent.

When we're activated, our instinct is to defend ourselves and explain what we meant. Try to get curious first. Ask about the other person's experience rather than deciding you already know it.

Hold space for the possibility that you didn't intend any harm and that harm happened anyway. Both can be true. And remember that the person across from you is probably running on the same wiring you are. A lot of us cause rupture out of fear, not malice. A little compassion for their nervous system, and your own, goes a long way toward bringing the temperature down.

4. (S) Start from shared values.

It's easy to slip into a stance where it's you against them. A more useful picture is you, them, and the problem, with the two of you on the same side of it.

So name something you have in common before you get into where you differ. "I think we both want this project to land." "We're both clearly invested here." You don't have to share much, and your common ground might be as small as "neither of us is enjoying this conversation." Even that helps, because it reminds you both that you're working on the problem together rather than becoming the problem for each other.

5. (E) Engage, even if that means asking for time

Engaging doesn't mean you have to solve everything right now. Sometimes the most honest thing you can say is, " I need five minutes before we keep going."

If a full conversation feels like too much in the moment, offer a smaller, doable next step instead. Can we agree to pick this up tomorrow at two? Can we both acknowledge there's a roadblock here? Can we try that again? Giving the conversation a clear, manageable shape makes it easier to move forward, and it's a quiet form of repair in its own right.

Looking for a custom session for your workplace? Book time with our team to discuss how we can facilitate a workshop, mediation session or advise you on how to navigate tension.

Learn is the consultancy arm of Reclamation Ventures, an award-winning venture studio that’s created well-known brands like Reimagined, Banned Books Book Club, and the RV Fund. Over the past five years, we’ve helped organizations create more inclusive and equitable spaces through trainings, workshops and hands-on consulting.

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